Whether you listen to talk radio, watch Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11, or you read the op-ed column in the paper, the shrill and explosive nature of the comments made about this election make serious political dialogue in America difficult at best.

This is not new. Throughout our history even some of our most beloved presidents have been subject to vicious attacks both in and out of office. Yet, seldom has America seemed more polarized. There are two Americas and few seem willing to talk across the divide. Both sides shout across the moat—"If you would just stop telling lies about us, we'd stop telling the truth about you!"

"Many argue; not many converse."
—Louisa May Alcott

Free and open political discussions have always helped make America strong. There is a value in facing differences. Good political dialogue becomes the fire that tests the metal of your convictions and the depth of your understanding. You can't truly grasp a truth until you have explained and contested it. Constructive debates that involve strong opinions and heartfelt convictions are not then to be avoided; they are to be harnessed in a way that risks influence without demonizing our adversaries.

"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority."
—Ralph Stockman

Rest assured that the differences that face us in this or any election are not going away. In a strange way, the truths that sustain our country are somehow best experienced by partaking in the healthy tension differences create. In a free society, finding clarity is often as important as convincing others. Americans reap the blessings of the freedoms we have; we need to undergo the fatigue and the work of sustaining them. As we launch into this election season at full speed, it may be wise to try to establish a few ground rules for talking with instead of just talking about our political enemies!" Here are twelve tips on how to disagree without being quite so disagreeable:

1. Manners are the lubricating oil of good political discussions. Never underestimate the power of a ready smile, simple courtesy and civility. Your courtesy may not be remembered or returned, but discourtesy will never be forgotten.

"When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey."
—Arab proverb

2. Show empathy and tolerance for differences. Tolerance and empathy do not require approval or agreement—they do require a cordial and positive attempt to understand another's feelings, beliefs and positions. If you're doing all the talking, you are probably boring somebody. To lead others to your side on any issue it helps to see the road they must travel through their eyes not your own.

"When you want to convert someone to your view, you go over to where he is standing, take him by the hand (mentally speaking), and guide him. You don't stand across the room and shout at him; you don't call him a dummy; you don't order him to come over to where you are. You start where he is, and work from that position. That's the only way to get him to budge."
—Thomas Aquinas, the great persuader

3. Do your homework to build depth behind your convictions. The journey to wisdom takes you from simple truths to a deeper understanding and then back to an informed simplicity that communicates depth. Be humble and fair with your "facts." Statistics are only temporary snapshots in a stream of reality and far too many quotes are often taken out of context. There is value in doing your homework; it is quite another thing to tell people everything you know about a subject and call it dialogue.

"It is easier to be critical than to be correct."
—Benjamin Disraeli

4. When caught off guard, take time to think before engaging in speech, sending e-mails or leaving phone messages. The real art of political dialogue is not just saying the right thing at the right moment; it is the ability to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. When you write with strong emotion, you may rally the faithful, but those who disagree with you won't read past the first attack. Put your mind in gear before you put your tongue or your computer into action. Edit those tirades into clear statements designed to influence instead of inflame.

"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say."
—Calvin Coolidge

5. Avoid name-calling, "you" statements and "should" talk! Instead of putting down others or their positions, share your opinions in the form of "I" statements—"I find...; I feel...; I think..." Find that assertive middle-ground where you can express opinions without demeaning those with whom you disagree. Remember, over 28 million people will probably vote for the "other guy!" to be President no matter what names you call him.

"I tolerate with the utmost latitude the right of others to differ from me in opinion without imputing to them criminality... Both of our political parties, at least the honest part of them, agree conscientiously in the same object—the public good; but they differ essentially in what they deem the means of promoting that good.... Which is right, time and experience will prove.... With whichever opinion the body of the nation concurs, that must prevail."
—Thomas Jefferson

6. Seek first to understand by mastering the art of listening and the use of engaging questions. Instead of imparting wisdom, too many settle for a strong wind—We blow in, blow hard, and blow out! If you're doing all the talking, you are probably boring somebody. Master some timely questions: What are the most important issues to you? Help me understand your position? What would you do differently? What evidence do you have of that? Do you see any unintended consequences?

"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
—James Thurber

7. Use the power of a positive pause to surface more understanding and deeper insights. It is an encouraging pause that gives others the time to get beyond their own self-imposed obstacles to see different positions without being rushed to defend their position.

"The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause."
—Mark Twain

8. When it is your turn to speak, be focused more on what you are for rather than what you are against. Anger over the past does not a vision make! Participating in the blame game only traps your eyes to the rearview mirror looking at things that can't be changed while new obstacles and challenges are rapidly approaching out the front window! Both political parties have made and will continue to make mistakes. Let people save face and learn from mistakes by focusing on working to invent a better future.

"It is true that we have more semi-structured Crossfire-style debates than ever before, but much of this is rigidly preprogrammed sniping. Even when the sniping is downplayed, TV demands sharp sound bytes, which pushes all talking heads toward more vehemence and simplemindedness. Instant certainty becomes mandatory.... Where is the real debate?"
—John Leo

9. Be able to admit your own mistakes and the mistakes of your own party. "My party right or wrong!" seldom impresses the independent-thinking voters you want to influence. If you can't confront your own when in the wrong, you won't be respected. Stand for what you believe and admit when you are wrong. Even when you cannot honestly concede a mistake, at least admit that the issue is a difficult one.

"Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them."
—Adlai Stevenson

10. Use humor to diffuse the tension conflict creates and to keep issues in perspective. Making fun of others seldom wins point in political conversations. The safest target for your humor is always yourself. When Lincoln was accused of being "two-faced" in his debates with Stephen Douglas, he replied, "Obviously I am not two-faced, or I would not have used this one!" When George Washington faced a Constitutional Convention that wanted to pass a law limiting the size of the army to 5,000 troops, he agreed as long as they would limit the size of the enemy to 3,000 troops. The resulting laughter ended the debate and the threat of the unwise legislation.

"I do not seek applause...nor to amuse the people. I want to convince them. I often avoid a long and useless discussion by others or a laborious explanation on my own part by using a short story that illustrates my point of view."
—Abraham Lincoln

"Every one of his stories seems like a whack upon my back. Nothing else--not any of his arguments or any of his replies to my questions--disturbs me. But when he begins to tell a story, I feel that I am to be overmatched."
—Stephen Douglas

11. Instead of hammering your position home, be ready to take distance from a difficult conversation and give others time to think. The most powerful impact from a thoughtful conversation is often experienced after the parties have left each other's presence. Forcing closure may only harden views that might have changed if the information shared had been given time to percolate.

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
—Winston Churchill

12. Know when to end a fruitless conversation. Many will never change political positions no matter how long you talk. Learn to be able to say, "I guess no amount of dialogue is going to change either of us. That's what makes this country so great—We're free to disagree!"

In the introduction to my newest book, The Dinner: The Political Conversation Your Mother Told You Never to Have, I quote Ronald Reagan: "I have always believed that a lot of the troubles in the world would disappear if we were talking to each other instead of about each other." Let's take the next two months to do just that; America deserves a few more dinner discussions and a lot less name-calling. You do not control the actions of others, but by mastering the tips shared in this article you will be doing your part to keep political conversations in America vibrant and alive for a new generation of voters.

Copyright © 2004 by Terry Paulson

Mail to: terry@terrypaulson.com   http://www.thedinnerbook.com

28717 Colina Vista, Agoura Hills, CA 91301-1720

Phone: (818)991-5110  Fax: (818)991-9648

Byline: Dr. Terry Paulson is the author of They Shoot Managers Don't They? and The Dinner. As a speaker, trainer and author, he helps leaders and teams make change work. For information on his programs or resources visit http://www.terrypaulson.com or contact him directly at terry@terrypaulson.com or 800-521-6172.